Adulting-ish

As I eat the last of yesterday’s cake at the end of the day, I begin to have a bit of reflection on the my life thus far. I am getting older now and everything is no longer the same. The body is no longer what it used to be. I am having some pains here and there. I worry that maybe I have lost myself and my happiness over the years.

 

For starters, I used to have friends. When I was growing up, I was hardly home. Almost always, I would be with friends. As I grew older and started having more responsibilities, that part of me fell away. I tried a lot of things to keep my friendships going, but in the end, I realised that most of the friendships were not worth keeping.

 

I used to believe that I should do everything in my powers to keep a friendship going until I realised I was the only one making an effort. Now, I just those friends that want to keep me… and I only have painfully few of such friendships.

 

Then there is this whole being grown up thing. I don’t even know where to start. I have been doing it for so long now that I know nothing else. I don’t even know if I enjoy it or I am doing it right. I have never really had anyone showing me the ropes. I have kind of had to figure it out as I go. I think this has caused me a lot of frustration.

 

I find that I have to juggle a lot of things at the same time. Not only do I have to do a lot of things at the same time, I also have to respond appropriately to the things I face. This means I have to be emotionally ready to switch things up at the drop of a hat. I need to be caring with the wife and patient with the kids, all the while handling the frustration of a non working economy. Can I even trust that I will respond appropriately whenever I an called eTown action?

 

Sometimes I catch myself looking at my kids as they play and wonder if they know the pain I feel when I see them having a good time. The pain comes from the pressure of making sure that against all odds, they remain happy. The very act of putting food on the table is a constant strain to me. I wish I could do more for them because I am old enough to know that what they have now is not good enough.

 

I have lost a lot of things in the last two months. I not only have lost physical things and a loved one, I have also lost my ability to be alive. Nothing brings me joy anymore. Life came at me so fast that I lost my ability to hold on. I feel like now I’m just drifting. I am trying to take it each day at a time but the mountain standing before me is huge.

 

I have had multiple breakdowns and sometimes I wake up in the morning already nursing a heavy heart. I just spend most days holding in tears and sometimes in solitude. I honestly don’t want to be around people because they will ask how I am doing and I will be forced to tell them. I am a man and I need to figure it out. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I have been asking for help so much so that I feel like I have overstepped my limits. I have always struggled with asking for help, and now I feel like I am a burden to those around me.

 

Sometimes I look at my two year old son and I feel pain. He is out here enjoying his life oblivious to the responsibilities that await him as a man. I hope that I will be able to prepare him adequately for the journey, so that when the time comes, he has a fighting chance. I have oftentimes told him not to grow up but he doesn’t seem to understand me.

 

I don’t know if this post will be helpful to someone going through hell, but I hope it lets you know that you are not alone. I don’t have answers yet, but I am here.

 

I am still standing.

 

I am still willing give it another go.

 

It’s hard, I will be honest with you.

 

I have cried myself to sleep countless times. I have wished it could end more times than I can remember. I have been overwhelmed by life almost everyday for the last two and a half months. I have lost all my sources of income.

 

Even now as I sit in the living room, typing these words, I am overcome by feelings of sadness. An overwhelming numbness, a great pain and a lot of suppressed tears torment me. I don’t know a lot of things, I have lost certainty of what it means to be me. I can’t help but ask myself the question: have I lost myself?

 

I don’t have the answer yet.

 

All I know is that as long as I still breathe, I won’t give up.

 

Till the next one,

 

DEUCES